In my experience, BDSM activities are always hard to understand and perform for someone who is new to the Lifestyle. I have had success by explaining the following:
When in a love-based relationship (i.e. spouse, boy/girlfriend), it is important to make sure your partner's needs are met: physical, emotional and mental - ideally, that person will thrive and be happy in that relationship.
It is hard for someone not familiar with the Lifestyle to understand the need, especially for pain, etc. Just the thought of actually doing things to cause pain to a loved one would seem strange, and perhaps even stranger to be asked to do it by one's partner...
A person in the Lifestyle needs and craves the activities in order to thrive. The loss of those activities for a long period of time can lead to depression due to the lack of self-expression.
If the new partner can accept that controlled, negotiated BDSM activities are actually a GOOD THING for their loved one, then it becomes easier to participate.
Safewords rule! If a Dom can trust in a sub to use safewords and help guide the Scene from the bottom, then the comfort level for the new Dom goes up dramatically.
I have also found that a clear explanation to the new partner of exactly what works and what doesn't, the levels you really enjoy and what satisfies you provides direction and comfort, too. Fill out a limits list from the
website and discuss it with your new mate. If you are having issues with self-understanding or expression of your needs then perhaps writing them down may work, or even talking to another sub. Talking to another sub of the
same sex can really help get some of the issues on the table in a very nurturing way.
If he or she likes to read, how about: "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, Greenery Press
People have said to me: "I dont really think the things I am looking for can be taught."
I am not sure I agree. I agree that a base personality that is not dominant will not be able to be taught to be dominant.
However, if the basic person has dominant characteristics, then it becomes an attitude and belief issue, coupled with skills acquisition, that CAN be achieved.